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Welcome back to Ship of Fools, my satire on conspiracy theories, hoaxes, and anti-science beliefs.
It’s the second day after the kidnapping, and Liz has enjoyed lounging in the sun and sampling the free tequila aboard the Fool’s Gold. But now it’s time to get back to work, if Sarge and Lonnie will agree to her plan.
LIZ TOOK another sip of her margarita, then rested her head against the lounge chair, enjoying the warmth of the sun on her face. She didn’t usually like tequila, or the sun, but as the old saying went, when cruising down the coast of Mexico…
She was just glad she’d thrown her little-used bikini into her suitcase before leaving New York. The weather had only improved as the Fool’s Gold headed south, leaving the cool breezes of Baja behind. She hadn’t thought there’d be much time for lounging on the Anóitoi, but that was all she had now — time, and an infinite supply of tequila.
She looked at her watch — good thing she was old-fashioned that way, because the kidnappers still hadn’t returned her phone — and gave herself fifteen more minutes in the sun. She’d never worked on a tan in her life, and she didn’t want to burn. Between the sun and the margaritas, she felt relaxed, somnolent even, almost able to forget she was here against her will.
It was the second day after the kidnapping. She hadn’t seen her fellow captives in that time, save for occasional glimpses of Tenzing meditating on the deck above hers. Nothing of Sarge, either. He’d seemed shaken the night of the operation and was probably still gathering himself. Rock was back on board, his presence in the aft cabin revealed by the blaring music from that quarter. He’d returned on the helicopter the next day, along with the rest of his entourage and the captives’ luggage.
The crew and the security guy assigned to her — Eric, not Mike — had treated her well, the stewards solicitous to her every wish and need, of which there were few, other than freedom or the use of her phone and laptop. So she’d relaxed and tried to pretend she was Jackie Onassis sailing the Mediterranean, with the added benefit of not having to sleep with a rich old guy.
She had moved into the shade and nearly fallen asleep when the clearing of a throat startled her awake. It was Sarge, standing in the cabin doorway.
“Hello, Sarge. How’s life as an international kidnapper?”
“Not as glamorous as I’d expected.” He looked pale, with deep bags under his eyes.
“You should try to relax and enjoy this luxury cruise.”
“Yeah, well…Listen, I thought we should meet and talk about next steps.”
“Simple, just sail to the Ice Wall, point out those UN troops, then we’ll be on our way, right?”
“If only. Rock and Lonnie are waiting for us below.” He stepped aside, gesturing at the open doorway.
She got up, pulled on her sundress, slipped on her sandals, and followed him in and down the hatch to the dining room on the deck below, Eric following behind. Up to now she’d taken her meals alone in here; either the guards were keeping them on a rotating meal schedule, or everyone else had eaten in their staterooms. Now the place seemed full, with Lonnie and Tenzing seated on benches at one of the long tables, Rock occupying the next one over with what looked like a couple of assistants, and three of the security team standing here and there.
“Would you like another drink, Ms. Dare?” asked one of the stewards.
“Soda with lime, please, Benny.” Better keep her wits sharp, since the little jolt of adrenalin prompted by Sarge’s sudden appearance had cleared the alcohol right out of her system.
She sat down opposite Lonnie, who looked as wan and sleepless as Sarge. At the next table, Rock looked a bit worried, but that could be about anything — slack sales on his last album or maybe the cost of running this massive yacht. Only Tenzing and the guards remained true to the baseline she’d set for them when she’d first met them, deep serenity in the former case, watchful stoicism in the latter.
Standing before the assembled captives, Sarge nodded toward the door. “Mike, I think you and your men aren’t needed for this part.”
Mike looked at Rock, who nodded, and he and his men left the room.
Sarge blew out a sigh. “Listen, I want to start by apologizing for any discomfort you may have felt when you were brought here. In fact, I hope we can stop looking at this as a kidnapping and more as a shared adventure into the unknown.”
Lonnie snorted. “Unbelievable.”
“The unknown…” Liz said, shaking her head.
Lonnie stood up to face Sarge. “You can’t make reality what you want it to be just by changing the way you think about it. You can’t make the Earth flat just because you believe it is. And you can’t make this not a kidnapping after you kidnapped us.” He turned to her. “Right, Liz?”
“Lonnie has a point, Sarge.”
“But what about Tenzing here? Why can’t you be more like him? It’s almost like he wants to be here.”
Dawa Tenzing nodded. “Wherever I am, that is where I want to be. And right now, I am glad to be on my way to Antarctica.”
“The edge of the Earth, you mean,” said Sarge. The monk dipped his head and smiled. “But you never told me how you caught wind of our plans.”
“Caught wind?”
“Learned of them,” Liz said.
“Ah, yes. As I said, I watch and listen. I watch many of your YouTube videos. I see that you want to find a world that is flat, you spend a lot of time talking about the ice at the edge of the world. And I think, you are more right than anyone knows. Then I saw that you were leading this cruise, heading south from Los Angeles. And so I came to tell you, now is the propitious time.”
“Time for what?”
“For a trip to Antarctica. I came to persuade you that we should go together. And now, here we are.” He bowed his head, beaming a broad smile.
Sarge shook his head, blinking.
“Well, that’s just great,” said Lonnie. “Woohoo-de-fucking-woo. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to be checking in with my office daily, staying up-to-date with emails and team messages. I’ve never been out of touch for more than a day, and now it’s been two. My assistants will have contacted the cruise ship and discovered I left without a word to them. And no news since. It’s probably an international incident by now.”
“Mike says he’s seen nothing in the newsfeeds,” Sarge said. Lonnie looked a bit crestfallen.
“Ester’s right, though,” said Rock. “If his people are anything like mine, they’re ready to tear him a new asshole right now. My agent is all over me to get back to LA. And this kidnapping thing, sailing all the way to the tip of Argentina? You can have it. I’m going to take the chopper to Acapulco and fly home from there. You guys can take the yacht south. It’s just, I didn’t want any hard feelings. It’s my boat and my guys and all.”
Such feckless kidnappers! Lonnie shook his head and repeated, “Unbelievable,” a sentiment with which Liz had to agree.
“I’ve got an idea,” she said. “What if we do like Sarge says, and make this not a kidnapping?”
“But…” said Lonnie.
“Just hear me out. Sarge, you don’t need Lonnie. If there really is an ice wall with UN guards, I’ll report that for the Times and you’ll be vindicated. As you said, it will be the biggest scoop of my career. But what’s the added value of Lonnie being there?”
“To show him up for the hoaxer he is.”
“Look,” said Lonnie, “if Liz comes back with a report that there’s an ice wall encircling the Earth, and not just some random shot of an ice shelf or calved-off piece of the ice sheet, then I’ll eat all the crow you want.”
“But what about our insurance? Those UN bastards won’t have any problem blowing us out of the water if Lonnie’s not there.”
“Mother of God,” Lonnie said, shaking his head. “If they exist, don’t you think they’d give you a warning? Fire a shot across your bow?”
“No, once we spot them, we would know too much. They’d never let us leave.”
“Then maybe you’re overestimating my importance. Much easier to make the world think I went down with the ship in icy waters than to let me escape.” He gave Liz a wink.
“So what do you think, Sarge? Give me back my phone and laptop and I’ll check in with Sid and tell him my assignment’s changed. He’ll have to approve it, of course, but I think he will. And then I’ll just be on assignment, no kidnapping involved, as long as you swear that I can report on whatever I see. Who knows, maybe we’ll even spot some Nazis riding in flying saucers.”
“Come on, Liz, you know I don’t believe in that shit.”
“Or if it’s just UN troops on top of an Ice Wall that clearly encircles the Earth, I’ll report that, too.”
“Okay. And what about Ester?”
“Give him his phone so he can check in. I’m sure he can come up with some not-too-embarrassing explanation. And then he flies back with Rock. He’ll be back in LA before the Anóitoi.”
“And you won’t ever mention anything about a kidnapping?”
Lonnie made like he was holding a pistol and pointed it at Sarge. “You got it, compadre.”
“What a relief,” Sarge said.
Rock pumped both hands in the air. “Yes! I love it! People working out their problems together! Peace, love and sweet harmony!”
Liz stood up. “I’m going to catch some more rays. I hear it’s pretty cold in the Antarctic, gotta enjoy it while I can. Benny, I’ll take another margarita now.”
She pushed through the doors out to the lido deck, feeling quite pleased with herself.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please give it a like, a share, a restack, or a comment. And if you really enjoyed it, I hope you’ll buy me a coffee or upgrade to a paid subscription.
What do you think our brave explorers will find when they reach Antarctica? A lot can happen between Baja and the Drake Passage.
Next up: Chapter 14, “The Bedrock of Faith,” in which Reverend Paul can’t seem to shake those Nazis.